A Beautiful Martian. A Bitchinita. A GirLTalker.

Lumipat na po ako ng bahay dito.

I know I need to get this out of me, else I might break down. Various Facebook Wall Posts and Status wouldn’t suffice for me to feel [somehow] at ease. I feel the pain and I know writing would be, once again, my refuge. I was planning on keeping things to myself and not to blog about it. My blog site has been silent for a quite a while but I guess new post would be in there in a little bit of time. Well, everybody needs an outlet and here’s mine.

I guess I’ve been hiding this feeling for God knows how long. Maybe I was just too pretentious that even I had to believe that things were perfect. But they’re not. They say nothing’s perfect. Yes it’s true, but then there are things that no matter how imperfect they could be, you’d feel it’s the most perfect feeling for you.

Here’s the thing: I just need to be wanted and I want to be needed. I need to feel my worth. I need to be loved enough to be part of someone’s dreams. And in almost 29 months, it has always been what I wanted. In almost 29 months, I always had the feeling that I wasn’t enough and would never be enough.  Adjustment, people say, is part of a relationship, everyone will have to go through it. But I can’t believe that we never graduated from adjustment period in those 29 freaking months.

I fear of being tied to someone forever, of having my own family, thinking that everything would just fall apart. I have these fears that I can’t get over with until now. That’s why I need someone who would take these fears away, not someone who could be the cause of that fear.

I wanted to give my best for this relationship. I used to say a lot that I may not be perfect but surely I could give my best making it more perfect than ever. But it’s hard to do that if you’re not being appreciated – that no matter what you give, the person you sacrifice for cannot be satisfied. He has his own dreams and I can’t get into them because it’s too far from my own. I don’t dream of much money, of fame, or anything so out of this world. I just want to be happy, just happy and contented. I just want to live each day laughing, eating all the food I want to eat, hearing from my family and friends, and doing whatever it is that could make me feel that I have lived each day at its fullest. Just happy, you know. Just happy.

I do love but I don’t think I’m being loved in return the way I deserve to be loved. People would say if you really love a person, you don’t expect love in return. That’s bullshit. Because the most painful thing in this world is loving someone who couldn’t do the same to you… even if you deserve it.

I may be weak to fight this all but I’m not being weak to let go if I need to, hoping that when I’m gone, that someone would realize my worth.

One of my favorite songs kapag nag eemote ako.

Lyrics | Michelle Featherstone – Coffee & Cigarettes lyrics

Confetti Spa is a home spa service located in Eastwood, Quezon City. Their mantra, A Massage To Remember, that is a massage which is more than a luxury – it is a tune up for the body, mind, and soul. Please take a moment to browse their site to learn about the treatments and services they provide. Or you can avail free gift certificate to try their service.

Okay, enough nose bleed. Eto ang dapat gawin.

1. Repost. I-repost ang buong blog na ito (yep, copy and paste) sa kahit anong blogsite na trip mo. Halimbawa: Friendster blog, Multiply blog, Facebook Notes, Blogspot, WordPress, MySpace, self-hosted sites.

2. Kailangang ilagay ang subject na: Free Gift Certificate from Confetti Spa by just reposting this blog. Kapag hindi ganyan ang subject, hindi valid ang entry. Sana po maliwanag ito.

3. Linkback. Pumunta sa  http://salbehe.wordpress.com/kontest-2/ at ilagay ang link ng iyong blog. Isang valid link ay isang koment.

4. I-ra-raffle ang Confetti Spa Gift Certificate sa Nov. 28, 2009.

Happy reposting!

Weeeehhh… grocery time! I am not a mall fanatic. I mean, going to the mall is mediocre for me. For a shopaholic like me, I don’t enjoy mall that much. I love Divisoria, Quiapo and Greenhills. I love seeing different stuff from clothes to household wares, in one chunk tossed in one area. Not to mention the low, low, low price. 

And yes I said grocery time. Of all the shopping spree I’ve been to, nothing can compare to groceries. Wow. I love supermarkets! I enjoy visiting each row of goods. I enjoy picking fruits, chips, bread, juices, confectioners, etc. I get pleasure from leafing through kikay stuff and toiletries. And those which are on sale. Toothpaste with free toothbrush. Buy one take one shampoo. Lower price on Yellow Tags. And the likes. I so love it!

So I don’t know how my life would be. With all the responsibilities placed on my head (supposedly on my shoulder but I got more so they start with my head), I don’t even know who I am now. I mean, I’ve whined a lot of times. I’ve posted my rants in GT and thanks to my GTalk sisters, they talked to me. But I’m lost.

I hope things could be eased by buying my kikay stuff. I’ve recently purchased a foundation, powder and lip color from Ellana on an installment basis, and that’s what I can consider as my luxury in life. Simple stuff just to make me feel beautiful outside. But deep inside, I am a monster. I have a lot of bitter angst (when did they become sweet?) in me. Because I’m getting tired emotionally, mentally and physically as well. 

I’m getting tired of my job to the point that I cry each day. To the point that I drag myself to work. To the point that I want to jump off the jeepney on my way to the office. To the point that when I go the washroom, I have the tendency to run to my locker, get my things and go home. It’s suffocating. But I have no choice but to be suffocated. 

I am having trust issues with my boyfriend. I hated it when I found out that he was planning to meet up with a girl, an old friend as he said. He was about to do it without me knowing, thanks to a wonderful gadget called cell phone, I found out about it! He was going to see her to catch up with the old times during the time that it was the most down moment of my life! 

I’m getting sick physically. Probably due to stress. I went to World Citi for a check up and the doctor gave me a two-page prescription. I don’t even know what the diagnosis is! I didn’t buy even a single tablet. 

I have been so impatient with things the past few days and I’m trying to take it easily and lightly… slowly..breathe..breathe..then I’d end up crying. 

Jeezz…

I just hate myself.

I sit here watching him from afar. There are a lot of people coming to greet him. I guess he’s gotten so famous the last few days. I was actually beside him just a few minutes ago but he kept on ignoring me. He wouldn’t talk to me. He wouldn’t even look at me. I kept on talking, I could have delivered a thousand words in ten languages but he didn’t mind. He was simply quiet and his eyes were closed. I smiled at him but he did not smile back. He was so snob. So here I am, emotionally battered, watching him. 

I was talking to him before I decided to stay in this corner and grab the computer. I had a lot of questions to ask him but he decided not to give me any reply. Maybe he thought I would find the answers from someone else. Maybe other people would care to explain what really happened. Because he didn’t care to give me an explanation and it’s killing me. 

I wanted to crack some jokes and hear him laugh again like how he used to. I longed for the times when he would mess my hair and pat me on the head when I cracked the corniest joke ever. But he would laugh just the same.  I wanted to tell him about my life at work, how I am struggling to get by each day and I’m sure he wouldn’t hesitate to give his precious pieces of advice just to keep me going. 

I wanted to tell him that I found a very nice cell phone in the mall –a high end one- and I wondered if he would buy it for me this time. I remember all the cell phones he had brought me home when he was abroad, not even one was working! He said some technicians would get them fixed but no one did. But that’s fine, he bought one for me which was actually a bit nicer than those from abroad. He had given me a lot of things even if they were just out of my whim to make me happy. 

I remember as well when he used to drive me from his place to my house and vice versa. I would ride in his red van with tinted glass windows like I was under the Witness Protection Program and we would laugh about it. It’s still fresh how he protected me from everything which might hurt me like he was my own father. He bought a gun and carried it with himself all the time he was with me. He said he would not give it a second thought to pull the trigger right before someone’s finger lay on my skin. I wonder if he remembers those right now or maybe he just doesn’t care at all. 

It seems like he doesn’t remember anything anymore. Is he still aware that we share the same last name because we came from the same family? Does he know that I miss him? Does he know that the past days I didn’t do anything but to shed tears for him? 

A few hours from now he would be six feet under the ground and I’ll never see him again. Even if I was insane enough to dig him out of there, nothing would change. We would never laugh together again, never share advice and I’ll never get that sweet painful spank from him when I do wrong. 

You, typhoon Ondoy, you are the worst thing that happened to someone’s life. You have left a lot of lives shattered. You have made the whole nation cry in pain and in loss. You have made someone so desolate and incomplete. You’d never ever and I’d never ever get someone back from the grave and for that I wish I could tell you how it sucks to be hit by you and be caressed by your deathly blow. I wish everyone who has been in pain because of you will find it easier to move on and start anew. I wish.

01oct09