A Beautiful Martian. A Bitchinita. A GirLTalker.

One of my favorite songs kapag nag eemote ako.

Lyrics | Michelle Featherstone – Coffee & Cigarettes lyrics

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Okay, enough nose bleed. Eto ang dapat gawin.

1. Repost. I-repost ang buong blog na ito (yep, copy and paste) sa kahit anong blogsite na trip mo. Halimbawa: Friendster blog, Multiply blog, Facebook Notes, Blogspot, WordPress, MySpace, self-hosted sites.

2. Kailangang ilagay ang subject na: Free Gift Certificate from Confetti Spa by just reposting this blog. Kapag hindi ganyan ang subject, hindi valid ang entry. Sana po maliwanag ito.

3. Linkback. Pumunta sa  http://salbehe.wordpress.com/kontest-2/ at ilagay ang link ng iyong blog. Isang valid link ay isang koment.

4. I-ra-raffle ang Confetti Spa Gift Certificate sa Nov. 28, 2009.

Happy reposting!

Weeeehhh… grocery time! I am not a mall fanatic. I mean, going to the mall is mediocre for me. For a shopaholic like me, I don’t enjoy mall that much. I love Divisoria, Quiapo and Greenhills. I love seeing different stuff from clothes to household wares, in one chunk tossed in one area. Not to mention the low, low, low price. 

And yes I said grocery time. Of all the shopping spree I’ve been to, nothing can compare to groceries. Wow. I love supermarkets! I enjoy visiting each row of goods. I enjoy picking fruits, chips, bread, juices, confectioners, etc. I get pleasure from leafing through kikay stuff and toiletries. And those which are on sale. Toothpaste with free toothbrush. Buy one take one shampoo. Lower price on Yellow Tags. And the likes. I so love it!

So I don’t know how my life would be. With all the responsibilities placed on my head (supposedly on my shoulder but I got more so they start with my head), I don’t even know who I am now. I mean, I’ve whined a lot of times. I’ve posted my rants in GT and thanks to my GTalk sisters, they talked to me. But I’m lost.

I hope things could be eased by buying my kikay stuff. I’ve recently purchased a foundation, powder and lip color from Ellana on an installment basis, and that’s what I can consider as my luxury in life. Simple stuff just to make me feel beautiful outside. But deep inside, I am a monster. I have a lot of bitter angst (when did they become sweet?) in me. Because I’m getting tired emotionally, mentally and physically as well. 

I’m getting tired of my job to the point that I cry each day. To the point that I drag myself to work. To the point that I want to jump off the jeepney on my way to the office. To the point that when I go the washroom, I have the tendency to run to my locker, get my things and go home. It’s suffocating. But I have no choice but to be suffocated. 

I am having trust issues with my boyfriend. I hated it when I found out that he was planning to meet up with a girl, an old friend as he said. He was about to do it without me knowing, thanks to a wonderful gadget called cell phone, I found out about it! He was going to see her to catch up with the old times during the time that it was the most down moment of my life! 

I’m getting sick physically. Probably due to stress. I went to World Citi for a check up and the doctor gave me a two-page prescription. I don’t even know what the diagnosis is! I didn’t buy even a single tablet. 

I have been so impatient with things the past few days and I’m trying to take it easily and lightly… slowly..breathe..breathe..then I’d end up crying. 

Jeezz…

I just hate myself.

I sit here watching him from afar. There are a lot of people coming to greet him. I guess he’s gotten so famous the last few days. I was actually beside him just a few minutes ago but he kept on ignoring me. He wouldn’t talk to me. He wouldn’t even look at me. I kept on talking, I could have delivered a thousand words in ten languages but he didn’t mind. He was simply quiet and his eyes were closed. I smiled at him but he did not smile back. He was so snob. So here I am, emotionally battered, watching him. 

I was talking to him before I decided to stay in this corner and grab the computer. I had a lot of questions to ask him but he decided not to give me any reply. Maybe he thought I would find the answers from someone else. Maybe other people would care to explain what really happened. Because he didn’t care to give me an explanation and it’s killing me. 

I wanted to crack some jokes and hear him laugh again like how he used to. I longed for the times when he would mess my hair and pat me on the head when I cracked the corniest joke ever. But he would laugh just the same.  I wanted to tell him about my life at work, how I am struggling to get by each day and I’m sure he wouldn’t hesitate to give his precious pieces of advice just to keep me going. 

I wanted to tell him that I found a very nice cell phone in the mall –a high end one- and I wondered if he would buy it for me this time. I remember all the cell phones he had brought me home when he was abroad, not even one was working! He said some technicians would get them fixed but no one did. But that’s fine, he bought one for me which was actually a bit nicer than those from abroad. He had given me a lot of things even if they were just out of my whim to make me happy. 

I remember as well when he used to drive me from his place to my house and vice versa. I would ride in his red van with tinted glass windows like I was under the Witness Protection Program and we would laugh about it. It’s still fresh how he protected me from everything which might hurt me like he was my own father. He bought a gun and carried it with himself all the time he was with me. He said he would not give it a second thought to pull the trigger right before someone’s finger lay on my skin. I wonder if he remembers those right now or maybe he just doesn’t care at all. 

It seems like he doesn’t remember anything anymore. Is he still aware that we share the same last name because we came from the same family? Does he know that I miss him? Does he know that the past days I didn’t do anything but to shed tears for him? 

A few hours from now he would be six feet under the ground and I’ll never see him again. Even if I was insane enough to dig him out of there, nothing would change. We would never laugh together again, never share advice and I’ll never get that sweet painful spank from him when I do wrong. 

You, typhoon Ondoy, you are the worst thing that happened to someone’s life. You have left a lot of lives shattered. You have made the whole nation cry in pain and in loss. You have made someone so desolate and incomplete. You’d never ever and I’d never ever get someone back from the grave and for that I wish I could tell you how it sucks to be hit by you and be caressed by your deathly blow. I wish everyone who has been in pain because of you will find it easier to move on and start anew. I wish.

01oct09

Dati nung college pa lang ako, pinagtatawanan ko ang mga nagtatrabaho sa call center. Sabi ko pa, kahit kelan hindi yun ang magiging kapalaran ko. Hindi ko naman kasi alam kung anong ibig sabihin ng ‘call center’. Sa pagtatanung-tanong ko, nalaman ko na sasagot ka ng telepono na parang operator. Sabi pa nila, yun daw ang bagsakan ng mga hindi nakatapos ng pag-aaral, yun daw ang bagsakan ng mga walang mapasukang trabaho at yung mga gusto ng part-time jobs. Kahit pa nga daw anong course mo sa college, okay lang. Hindi kasi yun isang propesyon. Panalo ka lang sa sweldo dahil malaki daw kumpara sa mga ordinaryong opisina. 

Pero sabi nga, digital na ang karma ngayon. Dahil lahat ng sinabi ko sa taas, sapul ako. Hindi ako nakatapos. Konti na lang sana, mamartsa na ako. Pero isinuko ko ang SP (special problem) ko. Hindi ko kasi maintindihan kung paano tatapusin. Madaming nagsasabi na kaya ko daw yun. Kung kaya ko eh di sana natapos ko. Ang hirap nga eh, lalo na pag ayaw mo naman talaga ng kursong yun. Mahabang istorya kung bakit ko pinili yun at bakit hindi ako nag-shift sa ibang kurso. 

Dahil fourth year college naman na ako nung tumigil ako, kahit papaano malakas ang loob ko na magkakaroon ako ng matinong trabaho. UPian pa ko. So may edge na ko, ika nga. Pero hindi rin, dahil diploma ang kalaban ko. Nagsimula ako magtrabaho sa isang electronics company bilang Quality Specialist. Sa baba ng sweldo, pangbayad lang yun sa upa sa bahay, kulang pa. Tapos naalala ko, meron nga palang tinatawag na call center. Sa ayaw at sa gusto ko, kailangan ko makipagsapalaran sa larangan na iyon. 

So ayun, isang araw nasa Makati ako. Nakatira ako pansamantala sa apartment ni Kaye (high school at college friend ko). Base sa mga nabalitaan ko, halos iisa lang ang proseso ng bawat kumpanya ng call center. Initial interview, exam, tapos final interview. Una kong pinuntahan ang IBM Daksh.  Swerte, natanggap ako. Una, nagtraining muna kami sa pagsasalita ng English. Mahirap pala. Akala ko dati basta nakakapagsalita at nakakaintindi ng English, okay na. Hindi pala. Dapat yun tunog Pinoy, mawawala. At dapat, perfect ang pakakapronounce sa mga salita. Pagkatapos ng training, mababakante ako ng mahigit isang lingo kasi hihintayin pa ang skedyul ng Product Training. Yun yung training ng magiging trabaho ko. Dahil ayaw ko mabakante, nakipagsapalaran ako sa PeopleSupport. Natanggap na naman ako. Biruin mo yun! Kalahating taon din ako nagstay dun. Madami akong naging mga bagong kaibigan. Pagkatapos nun, palipat-lipat na ko. Bumalik ako sa IBM, lumipat sa Sutherland at tumagal ng halos dalawang taon. Pumasok din ako sa 24/7 ng tatlong buwan hanggang sa nagdesisyon ako na hindi ako talaga masaya. Sa ngayon, first time kong umalis sa Makati. Nasa bagong kumpanya na naman ako, sa Eastwood naman ngayon. Umaasa ako na ito na ang huli. Masaya na kasi ako sa mismong trabaho at sa mga tao. 

Eto ang mga natutunan ko sa call center: 

• Matatalino ang mga tao. Galing sa iba’t ibang lugar, iba-ibang istorya sa buhay.  May mga nakatapos ng college, merong hanggang second year lang. Magkakaiba ng course. Wala pa akong nakikilalang bobo.
• EOP. English Only Po. English Only Pala. English O Pilipino. English Only Policy. Bawal mag-Tagalog. Kasi nakaka-offend sa mga foreign clients. Tsaka naririnig sa kabilang linya ng telepono. Kaya huwag kang magtataka kapag may accent na ang mga tao, kala mo balikbayan.
• Madaming mahilig magbasa ng libro. Dito ako nakakahiram ng magagandang libro. Pati na din mga movies. Mabilis silang maka-impluwensya.
• Kape.  Kahit hindi ka nagkakape, mapapakape ka. Madalas sa mga kumpanya may free vendo. Kape na iba-ibang timpla, pati na din Milo. Sa kumpanya ko ngayon walang vendo pero yung boss namin bumili ng madaming 3-in-1 coffee kaya libre pa din.
• Yosi. Parang kape din, kahit di ka nagyoyosi, mapapayosi ka. Pangtanggal ng antok, pampalipas ng oras. Majority kasi ng call center population mga sunog-baga. Kapag nakita mo ang mga teammates/friends mo sa lung center, tatlo ang options mo. Makibuga ka ng usok, bugahan ka ng usok o magmukmok sa malayo.
• Bampira. Depende sa account, marami ang nagiging bampira. Hindi naaarawan. Kapag Australian ang account, normal ang buhay. Kapag British, kalahating normal. Kapag American, abnormal na. Baligtad ang mundo. Gigising ka sa oras na matutulog na ang mga normal na tao at uuwi ka kapag papasok na sila sa school o sa trabaho. Minsan nakakailang kapag halos lahat ng kasakay mo sa jeep mga presko pero ikaw haggard na.
• Inuman sa umaga. Inuman habang sumisikat ang araw. Hanggang tanghali.
• Pizza party. Kapag gumraduate sa training, kapag may birthday, kapag maganda ang stats.
• Call Center Love Affair. Madaming relasyong sumisibol, relasyong nasisira at relasyong extended.                            

Sumisibol – dalawang single, nagkita, nagkakilala, nagkainlovean.  Nasisira – may bf/gf sa labas, nakakilala ng iba sa loob, iniwanan ang karelasyon para sa co-agent nya.  Extended – may asawa na, feeling binata/dalaga, kumuha ng kabit na kasama sa operations.

• Kaibigan.  Dahil hindi tumitigil ang pag-hire sa mga tao, halos lingo-linggo may mga bagong mukha kang makikita sa operations floor. Mga bagong kakilala at pagtagal ng konti, nasasabihan mo na ng mga problema mo, nakaka-appreciate ng ugali mo. 

Minsan nakakapagod na mag-take ng calls. Lalo na pag mahirap kausap ang customer mo. Pero matututo ka maging pasensyoso at mag – isip ng malalim. Lahat ng tatawag sa’yo may problema, ke mababaw o out of this world. Ang trabaho mo ay lutasin ‘yon. Umaasa sila sa’yo. Sa totoo lang, mahirap ang buhay call center. Bilang ang bawat minuto mo. Importante ang adherence. Ang AHT, o kung gaano ka katagal makipag usap sa customer. Madami pa kasi nag aantay sa linya na makausap ka. Pero masaya, walang kasing saya. Yung mga team buildings, yung mga activities like sportsfest, singing contests, dance contests, gay contests, etc. Parang nasa school ka lang. 

Karma is digital at masaya ako na nakarma ako. Masaya ako na dito ako bumagsak, sa call center.

20sep09

They say we are part of a big and wide universe that someone out there is just circling it to finally find its way to you – that is, if you are desperate enough to think why you are still single. Not that you are bad-looking. It just happened that no matter how breathtakingly gorgeous you are, the one you wish to circle the universe for you, just wouldn’t see that beauty. No matter how many times you’ve heard from a lot of people that you got beautiful eyes and amazing smile, there’s nothing you wouldn’t give to hear those words from that particular lips. The one you fantasized about every second of the day. But you know it so well that that person would never tell you those things. You know it so well that for him, you are plain and simple and no more than the ordinary faces he sees each day. 

But at least you try to make him notice you. You smile at him each day, hoping you could brighten his day as much he does yours. You ask him if he has eaten his meals. You do it in every freaking meal time – breakfast and lunch. You stay a bit longer just to have an excuse to ask if he has had his dinner. You giggle in his simplest nod and weak smile. Sometimes you even fight yourself to call him at 12:00am to ask if he has his midnight snack. Everyday you have your neck stretched a bit longer just to catch a glimpse of him, hoping somehow he’s stretching his neck for you, too. Your birthday is past approaching and you have been planning for so long to ask him if he’s willing to give his precious time as a gift to you. You’re not even sure if you could ask but you have your fingers crossed that he would say yes when you do. The next thing you know, you’re playing in your head your whole wardrobe. What kind of dress would he prefer to see on you – a mini? He might be conservative for that. Long skirt? He might think you’d take him to a religious gathering and wave hands on air to praise. Something fit? Are you hoping he would drool himself to whatever is hidden behind the fabric? Hilarious. He hasn’t even said yes. You haven’t even asked him yet. There’s still a lot of time to worry about the crappy dress. 

Every night you feel like you have insomnia. You can’t sleep. Rather, you don’t sleep. You are so busy painting his face in your dim vision when you close your eyes. You’d think you’ve fallen asleep but no. You are wide awake, at least your mind is. You see him smiling at you, talking to you and you are so engrossed in the whole imaginary conversation that you feel you’re already friends. Stupid. He has a lot of friends he might not remember some of the names. He has no plans of adding you to the list, whether he remembers your name or not, whether he considers you as his best chum or not. You will never be his friend. You will always be that someone wishing that even friendship he could offer. Then you would do your best to comfort him each freaking time he’s down. You would be the sun to shine on his darkest hour. You would be the moon watching over him when he sleeps and screams over a nightmare of you. You may not be even part of his nightmare. You are so insignificant to be included in his dreadful sleep. Stupid, really. 

Your days and nights are so occupied with thoughts of him that you have ignored other things which might have little or big significance to you. Like your best friend, for example. You forget that she has a new boyfriend now that she’s been very excited about. For several days she has been so alive and kicking on your phone you were scared she might push herself through the receiver. But you were busy feeling your heart, checking if it’s still on its right place that you forget to answer her calls and send no replies to her messages. You haven’t even mentioned to her that you’ve got a new job now and you’ve found your obsession in that little office. Or maybe you could tell her “I’ve found my imaginary boyfriend, the one who circled the universe just to find me.” Maybe it’s time for you to get in touch with your best friend and listen to her love story. Who knows it might inspire you. Who knows maybe she also began with stretching her neck for her guy before he noticed her. You might get a little motivation out of that. Probably a tip or two from her would be of big help on how to catch your dream guy’s attention. 

Sometimes you wonder why you are not able to see other men who show their affection to you, who promise you the things you would want him to promise you. You are not blind, of course. Maybe it’s just that you are so engaged to him mentally and emotionally that you believe it’s just you and him existing in this planet. Guess that’s an understatement. No one else exists for you but him. 

Then you decide to meet with your best friend on your birthday. She promises to treat you to your favorite ice cream kiosk. For several months your friendship has been silent and you think meeting with her might get a kick on your sanity. Maybe it would help you divert your thoughts to other things aside from him. After a long day with your friend, you know you’d be back to your old crazy tactics. Not bad to be normal even just for a day. Besides, all the days that follow would be abnormal. No harm, then. 

From afar, you see her smile – big and wide. She’s happy, you suppose. She giggles. Not sure if it’s because she sees you now or because anytime by now the boyfriend would come and she has all the right to brag. You are so excited to see her that you hug each other like you are not letting go. Then you find yourself giggling as well. Somehow you are anxious that you’re feeling guilty. Guilty, because you envy her. You envy her because she’s happy and you’re not. You envy her because her lovelife is blooming while yours is blooming as well, but only in your mind. You envy her because someone suddenly holds her hand. You envy her because the boyfriend is incredibly handsome, not to mention he is tall. You envy her because he looks so perfect. You envy her because when the boyfriend smiles at you, you know you have dreamed of that kind of smile for the longest time. You envy her because after holding her hand, he puts his arm around her shoulders like protecting her from everything which might hurt your best friend. Don’t they know that you need that protection? Because you are hurting. You are in so much pain. You laugh your painful laugh when the boyfriend suddenly notices you. He says you’re as pretty as your best friend. He says you and her move the same way, talk the same way, like the same things. No wonder you are best friends! Doesn’t he know that you also like the same person? Love the same person? Why are they standing there smiling at you oblivious to the pain that slowly crashes your whole being? Those are the hands you dream to hold yours someday. Those are the eyes you wish to look at you with so much warmth. That is the smile which brightens each and every second of your life. And those arms wrapped around your best friend, those are the arms which should be protecting you. If you and your best friend are alike in so many ways, then why didn’t he notice that on you before this? Why did he have to notice those on her? 

Suddenly, you are torn of staying and leaving. A part of you wants to stay, not because you have an agreement with your best friend to spend the day together, but because this is your chance to be near him. To crack jokes with him. To laugh with him. To eat with him. To have that conversation you play in your mind each night. To talk about how small the world is for meeting that way when you meet each other at work every day. You want to stay because you know from the start that having his precious time spent with you is the gift you’ve been wanting to ask from him. 

The other part of you wants to leave as the throbbing won’t go away. The tears are welling up and you’re not sure if missing and seeing your best friend again is a good excuse for the tears to drop. You want to leave because you’re afraid you might cling to him and beg him to choose you instead. You’re afraid that your real feelings would show and your best friend might be torn when she finds out. You want to leave because you believed that the universe is big enough but it turned out it can suffocate you. You want to leave because you never asked for pain to be part of your special day. But then it is. It cannot be erased. You wish all the soreness can be wiped away by a scoop of ice cream. 

You don’t know what to do that you decide to whirl around and run. You don’t know where to but you just keep on running. Run and let your tears be swiped by the breeze. Run until your feet ache and your body tire so that you won’t feel any pain other than of those your feet and body. 

You don’t know what to do and think even until now.  20Sep09