I guess I’ve been hiding this feeling for God knows how long. Maybe I was just too pretentious that even I had to believe that things were perfect. But they’re not. They say nothing’s perfect. Yes it’s true, but then there are things that no matter how imperfect they could be, you’d feel it’s the most perfect feeling for you.

Here’s the thing: I just need to be wanted and I want to be needed. I need to feel my worth. I need to be loved enough to be part of someone’s dreams. And in almost 29 months, it has always been what I wanted. In almost 29 months, I always had the feeling that I wasn’t enough and would never be enough.  Adjustment, people say, is part of a relationship, everyone will have to go through it. But I can’t believe that we never graduated from adjustment period in those 29 freaking months.

I fear of being tied to someone forever, of having my own family, thinking that everything would just fall apart. I have these fears that I can’t get over with until now. That’s why I need someone who would take these fears away, not someone who could be the cause of that fear.

I wanted to give my best for this relationship. I used to say a lot that I may not be perfect but surely I could give my best making it more perfect than ever. But it’s hard to do that if you’re not being appreciated – that no matter what you give, the person you sacrifice for cannot be satisfied. He has his own dreams and I can’t get into them because it’s too far from my own. I don’t dream of much money, of fame, or anything so out of this world. I just want to be happy, just happy and contented. I just want to live each day laughing, eating all the food I want to eat, hearing from my family and friends, and doing whatever it is that could make me feel that I have lived each day at its fullest. Just happy, you know. Just happy.

I do love but I don’t think I’m being loved in return the way I deserve to be loved. People would say if you really love a person, you don’t expect love in return. That’s bullshit. Because the most painful thing in this world is loving someone who couldn’t do the same to you… even if you deserve it.

I may be weak to fight this all but I’m not being weak to let go if I need to, hoping that when I’m gone, that someone would realize my worth.

Mga Commercial Taglines yun na gagawin mong Condom.

First Entry ko:

Condom Wallet – Balat nito ay genuine. international pa ang mga design. (Seiko Wallet)

Second Entry ko:

Banco Filipino Condom: subok na matibay, subok na matatag. (Banco Filipino)

Third Entry:

“Lipovitan Condom gets you going.” (Lipovitan)

Fourth Entry:

“Motolite Condom…pangmatagalan.”

Fifth Entry:

Pringles condom- once you pop, you can’t stop!

Sixth Entry:

McDo Condom – “Pa pa ra pa pa.. Love ko ‘to!”

Lyrics | Michelle Featherstone – Coffee & Cigarettes lyrics

Okay, enough nose bleed. Eto ang dapat gawin.

1. Repost. I-repost ang buong blog na ito (yep, copy and paste) sa kahit anong blogsite na trip mo. Halimbawa: Friendster blog, Multiply blog, Facebook Notes, Blogspot, WordPress, MySpace, self-hosted sites.

2. Kailangang ilagay ang subject na: Free Gift Certificate from Confetti Spa by just reposting this blog. Kapag hindi ganyan ang subject, hindi valid ang entry. Sana po maliwanag ito.

3. Linkback. Pumunta sa  http://salbehe.wordpress.com/kontest-2/ at ilagay ang link ng iyong blog. Isang valid link ay isang koment.

4. I-ra-raffle ang Confetti Spa Gift Certificate sa Nov. 28, 2009.

Happy reposting!

And yes I said grocery time. Of all the shopping spree I’ve been to, nothing can compare to groceries. Wow. I love supermarkets! I enjoy visiting each row of goods. I enjoy picking fruits, chips, bread, juices, confectioners, etc. I get pleasure from leafing through kikay stuff and toiletries. And those which are on sale. Toothpaste with free toothbrush. Buy one take one shampoo. Lower price on Yellow Tags. And the likes. I so love it!

I hope things could be eased by buying my kikay stuff. I’ve recently purchased a foundation, powder and lip color from Ellana on an installment basis, and that’s what I can consider as my luxury in life. Simple stuff just to make me feel beautiful outside. But deep inside, I am a monster. I have a lot of bitter angst (when did they become sweet?) in me. Because I’m getting tired emotionally, mentally and physically as well. 

I’m getting tired of my job to the point that I cry each day. To the point that I drag myself to work. To the point that I want to jump off the jeepney on my way to the office. To the point that when I go the washroom, I have the tendency to run to my locker, get my things and go home. It’s suffocating. But I have no choice but to be suffocated. 

I am having trust issues with my boyfriend. I hated it when I found out that he was planning to meet up with a girl, an old friend as he said. He was about to do it without me knowing, thanks to a wonderful gadget called cell phone, I found out about it! He was going to see her to catch up with the old times during the time that it was the most down moment of my life! 

I’m getting sick physically. Probably due to stress. I went to World Citi for a check up and the doctor gave me a two-page prescription. I don’t even know what the diagnosis is! I didn’t buy even a single tablet. 

I have been so impatient with things the past few days and I’m trying to take it easily and lightly… slowly..breathe..breathe..then I’d end up crying. 

Jeezz…

I just hate myself.

Got this from sis Moonchild117. It’s called a Double Purpose Tag because, according to her, it not only lets you know me better, but also increase your site’s traffic.

Let’s start!

1. What time did you get up this morning? I was awake the whole night til afternoon.

2. How do you like your steak? As long as it’s tasty, that will do. Oh, and no beef steak please. =)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? It has been a long time ago. Around April 2009. Too Fast, Too Furious.

4. What is your favorite TV show? One Tree Hill, Heroes, Boys Over Flower. =)

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Still in the Philippines but I would choose a provincial area than Manila.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Rice, egg and fish. With a cup of coffee.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Egg.haha.

8. What foods do you dislike? beef

9. Favorite place to eat? at home. i love take outs.

10. Favorite dressing? I don’t like salad. I’d go for Manhattan dressing though, for hotdog sandwich.=)

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? None. I don’t and I can’t drive.

12. What are your favorite clothes? Something comfy, like jeans and and shorts and shirt or a dressy blouse.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Outside the Philippines, it would be UK. In the Philippines, I’d love to go somewhere north like Bataan, Batanes, Zambales..

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? 1/2 full.

15. Where would you want to retire? In the province.

16. Favorite time of day? 6:30am. End of shift.

17. Where were you born? Sta Cruz, Laguna

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? I used to watch basketball a lot, but not anymore.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Everyone.haha.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Whoever wants to. haha.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? No one in particular.

22. Bird watcher? Nope.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? a Night person.

24. Do you have any pets? None.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? Yeah, I’d be jobless again, I feel it. Arrrgghhh…

26. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be a teacher, then a lawyer, then a businesswoman. Now I don’t know what I want.waahhh..=(

27. What is your best childhood memory? Go swimming with my best buds sa ilog then my grandma would spank each one of us when we get home.

29. Are you married? by heart. Not by paper, though. =)

30. Always wear your seat belt? No seatbelt eh.

31. Been in a car accident? Almost.

32. Any pet peeves? Phony people.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Put everything on it! I love Chicago white of Sbarro.

34. Favorite Flower? Rose will do.

35. Favorite ice cream? Moccha locca.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? KFC!

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? Never took one.

38. From whom did you get your last email? From Facebook.haha.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I don’t have a card but if I got one, I’d use it in a bookstore and boutique.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Yeah..being absent from work.

41. Like your job? The call center world itself, never. The people yeah, I do love them.

42. Broccoli? I like? Nope!

43. What was your favorite vacation? I never had a bonggacious one. Just playing princess at home.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? my hun

45. What are you listening to right now? My hun’s snoring.

46. What is your favorite color? Pink and purple.

47. How many tattoos do you have? None.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? I don’t know yet. We’ll see.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? Er, not done yet.

50. Coffee drinker? Yes. Everyday.

So obviously, the rule of the tag is to copy and paste the question to your blog then answer as honestly as possible. Then tag those you’d like to know better. Don’t forget the links!

I choose:

Princess Anne

Mizhelle

Teeyah

I was talking to him before I decided to stay in this corner and grab the computer. I had a lot of questions to ask him but he decided not to give me any reply. Maybe he thought I would find the answers from someone else. Maybe other people would care to explain what really happened. Because he didn’t care to give me an explanation and it’s killing me. 

I wanted to crack some jokes and hear him laugh again like how he used to. I longed for the times when he would mess my hair and pat me on the head when I cracked the corniest joke ever. But he would laugh just the same.  I wanted to tell him about my life at work, how I am struggling to get by each day and I’m sure he wouldn’t hesitate to give his precious pieces of advice just to keep me going. 

I wanted to tell him that I found a very nice cell phone in the mall –a high end one- and I wondered if he would buy it for me this time. I remember all the cell phones he had brought me home when he was abroad, not even one was working! He said some technicians would get them fixed but no one did. But that’s fine, he bought one for me which was actually a bit nicer than those from abroad. He had given me a lot of things even if they were just out of my whim to make me happy. 

I remember as well when he used to drive me from his place to my house and vice versa. I would ride in his red van with tinted glass windows like I was under the Witness Protection Program and we would laugh about it. It’s still fresh how he protected me from everything which might hurt me like he was my own father. He bought a gun and carried it with himself all the time he was with me. He said he would not give it a second thought to pull the trigger right before someone’s finger lay on my skin. I wonder if he remembers those right now or maybe he just doesn’t care at all. 

It seems like he doesn’t remember anything anymore. Is he still aware that we share the same last name because we came from the same family? Does he know that I miss him? Does he know that the past days I didn’t do anything but to shed tears for him? 

A few hours from now he would be six feet under the ground and I’ll never see him again. Even if I was insane enough to dig him out of there, nothing would change. We would never laugh together again, never share advice and I’ll never get that sweet painful spank from him when I do wrong. 

You, typhoon Ondoy, you are the worst thing that happened to someone’s life. You have left a lot of lives shattered. You have made the whole nation cry in pain and in loss. You have made someone so desolate and incomplete. You’d never ever and I’d never ever get someone back from the grave and for that I wish I could tell you how it sucks to be hit by you and be caressed by your deathly blow. I wish everyone who has been in pain because of you will find it easier to move on and start anew. I wish.

01oct09